Planet Ace: "A Rose By Any Other Name . . ."

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ORIGINAL ESSAY

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Be a Sequel

reprinted from
On Stage Magazine
January, 1996

by Ace Armstrong

If you follow theatre at all (and I know you do), you've heard a lot of people in the business crying over the sorry financial state of many once-prominent productions. The problem is easy to recognize, of course: people just don't go to the theatre as much as they used to do.

Theatrical producers, who are smart enough to know that the typical person can afford $lOO a ticket (and who also believe middle class" Americans make $200,000 a year) like to blame television and the movies. "Most people just don't understand the value of theatre," they say. Naturally, they eventually reach the inevitable conclusion that they simply aren't charging enough for tickets. And, as these poor souls raise ticket prices in execution of the "Make Theatre Appealing" plan, bad luck always seems to strike, and (through no fault of the producers) audiences suffer a coincidental loss of theatre appreciation.

CalI me kooky, but I think there may be another way to raise interest in theatre again. I've been thinking about this, and after seconds of careful deliberation, I have crafted a solution that will bring audiences (and money) back into the theatres: sequels!

Okay, so I borrowed the idea from Hollywood, but think about it. A movie sequel will often make more money than the original, and the best part is you only need to have one big name star for it to work. Plot? We don't need no stinkin' plot!

So, bearing that in mind, consider these possible sequels:

Hamlet II: The Return

In this fast-paced production, Hamlet's father (played by Arnold Schwarzeneggar) comes back from the grave, not to simply speak with Hamlet, but to avenge his own death using an assortment of grenades, laser guns and nuclear weapons.

Little Caesar

Another Shakespearean sequel. Julius Caesar (Danny DeVito), after narrowly surviving a knife attack, decides to retire from politics and start his own chain of pizza restaurants.

The Phantom of LoIIapaIooza

The Phantom (Trent Reznor) returns, but this time, instead of music, he uses body piercing and tattoos to impress his latest infatuation (Courtney Love). Not much of a plot or cast, but everyone within ten miles of the stage gets an instant contact buzz.

Cat

Starring Shirley McLaine, this prequel produced as a one-woman show would follow all nine lives of Grizabella the Glamour Cat.

Death of a Telemarketer

Willy Loman's son (Jim Bakker) updates his father's legacy by starting his own telemarketing firm, only to be gunned down by an angry direct-mail competitor.

Oedipus IV: Bubba Rex

The Greeks had two sequels to the original Oedipus story, so the tradition is already established for this most recent installment. Steven Spielberg would direct this play about a scientist who recreates Oedipus using ancient DNA. Oedipus (played by any member of the original Hee law cast) moves to Arkansas, where he finally finds his niche.

Hairless

The characters from the 1960s political satire Hair reunite as balding accountants, advertising executives and used car salesmen. Featuring Ted Dansen, Danny DeVito and Jason Alexander.

Superstar II: MC Jesus

The sequel to Jesus Christ Superstar in which the messiah (Vanilla Ice) makes a comeback with a rap album and worldwide tour. Kansas Senator Bob Dole makes a guest appearance as Satan, who attempts to organize boycotts against record stores because the album doesn't reflect mainstream American values.

The Fiberglass Menagerie

Brad Pitt stars as a young man driven to insanity by the constant sniping of his domineering mother. Inner pain and conflict lead to a murder spree, in which the victims are sliced up with tiny toy animals.

East Side Story

A snobbish ivy-league couple (Shannon Doherty and Jason Priestly) vie for acceptance among their peers, even though their respective Greek organizations (she's a Sigma Sigma Sigma, he's a Tau Kappa Epsilon) are not properly in synch with each other.

Friends

A bunch of too-cute-for-real-life New York yuppie wannabes hang out in an expensively-decorated coffee shop and whine about how miserable and poor they are while they sip expensive coffee. Okay, so it's not sequel, and it's mindless pandering, but anything "Friends"ish seems to make money these days, so why not?

And these are just a few of the possibilities. Why, with a little ingenuity and hard work, the producers could have a real problem on their hands. They'll probably have to lower ticket prices to keep people away.